I visited the rather brilliant St Paul's School in Leamington the other day, and pupils from Years 3 and 4 had written some letters for me containing a LOAD of searching questions. Here are some of them...

From Michael and Daniel: "How many books do you own?"
You know, I've never actually counted them. There's one wall in the living room of my house which is nearly all bookshelves, and I keep my little library there. There must be something like 400-500 books in all? Some of them I've had since I was about 8 or 9! I've got a Kindle ereader and there are about 30 or 40 books on that, too.

From Aaron and Chloe: "Do you find it easy to get started on a book?"
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Remember what I was saying about planning plots the other day? Well, some stories have a clear and obvious starting point, but for some you can work out everything except where it should start. One of the good things about planning your stories carefully is that you can work it out bit by bit - you don't have to begin at the beginning!

From Tom and Finley, and Anais and Khushi: "Do your children/ other people help you write your stories?"
No. In fact, I don't let anyone even glance at my stories before they're finished. Some writers like to let people read chapters as they write them, but not me. I like to have the story finished, completely, before I let anyone read it.

From Jon-luc and Matthew: "What is your favourite school you have been to?"
St Paul's, Leamington, of course!

From two Jessicas: "Have you written any non-fiction books?"
Yes, there's a non-fiction book about crime which is part of my Saxby Smart series of detective stories, and I've written a book for older children and teenagers all about great writers and the history of books. I've got plans for some more non-fiction, but when I'll get around to writing them, I don't know!

From Joseph and Jack: "Do you have a Nintendo?"
No, but I play Xbox games with my son now and again - my all-time favourite game is Lego Star Wars.

From Oliver, Elliott and Jarrad: "Are you the writer in your family?"
I'm definitely the biggest bookworm in my whole family. Oddly enough, both my brothers are excellent artists (and so was my dad, actually), while my artistic skills are non-existent.

From Megan and Emily, and Alicia and Dylan: "How long does it take to write your books?"
On average, around 4 or 5 months. I think the book I wrote quickest was Deadline, which took a few weeks.

Whenever I talk to classes in schools, I often emphasise the importance of planning out your stories before you start writing them. Here's the sheet on which I've planned out the plot of my next book (which doesn't have a title yet)...

Yes, I know, it's a total mess. But there's a lot of thought and note-taking gone into this total mess, I assure you. Anyway, by the time the story is finished, it'll make a lot more sense than it does now! I hope.

It struck me the other day that there's a simple answer to the constant parental dilemma What Books To Buy To Get The Kids Reading. Sure, you could stick with what's in Sainsbury's, or Waterstones, or the review sections of the Sunday papers, but don't forget that what you'll find there is such a tiny proportion of what's available, it makes Mount Everest look like a dust particle. There's a far better alternative: the ereader!

Give your kid a Kindle, or download the Kindle app for their iPod or smartphone, and let them loose in the wonderful world of SAMPLES. They can try the first chapters of dozens, hundreds, thousands of books, and all for free. Even the pickiest of readers is certain to find something they like!

Since I've had a Kindle myself, I've definitely widened the range of stuff I read, all because I can download a couple of chapters at the press of a button. Naturally, a lot of samples just get deleted after a page or two, but I've come across some terrific books that I might otherwise never have even considered buying.

If the proof of the pudding really is in the eating (and oooh boy, have I eaten a lot of puddings...) there can't be a better way to discover new books, new writers, new everything. I've got so keen on the idea I've even put a free Selection Box of chapters on the home page of this website.

I visited Coppice Junior School in Solihull a little while ago. They've sent me lots of letters, full of questions, so here are some answers..!

from Megan and others What's your favourite hobby?
I like repairing old computers. I've had to fix my own clunky old machine so much over the years that I'm now quite good at it.

from Libby, Alisya, Holly and lots of others What's your favourite book you've written?
If I really had to pick one, it would probably be Pants On Fire. I just love the main character, Tom Bland, he's so snobby and self-centred, he's very entertaining to write about.

from Eden What's your favourite movie?
Probably Bride Of Frankenstein, made in 1935, starring Boris Karloff.

from Joshua, Hamza and others If you weren't a writer, what would you be?
I'd have to work in a bookshop or a library. I couldn't be away from books!

from Lucy Are any of your family writers?
No, but several are artists. I'm the only one in my family who's no good at art. My son and my daughter design a lot of my book covers these days.

from Beth and others Are you writing more books?
Yes, I've just finished a non-fiction book called “You've Got To Read This”, which is about the history of books and writers.

from DJ What was your favourite thing to do at school?
History. Definitely.

from Rhiannon, Emma and many others How long does it take to write a book?
On average, a few months. However, I do have something I've been working on for about 5 years now, and still haven't got right! One day, though...

from Grace What is your favourite food?
Anything Chinese. I love sweet n' sour pork, or stir-fried vegetables. I also love fish. And chocolate.

from Joe, Gemma and Liberty Do you have a pet?
No, I'm allergic to animal hair, I can't go near dogs or cats, anything like that. And fish are a bit dull. Except to eat.

from Ben and others Do you like football?
Sorry, no. I really don't like any sport at all, I'm afraid.

from Ella Can you speak a different language?
Je peux parler un peu français, mais c'est tout. Mes compétences linguistiques ne sont pas très bonnes. Je souhaite qu'ils étaient meilleurs.

from Ben Do you have an Xbox 360?
No, but my son does. I do play games on it sometimes. I love the Lego ones! I'm doing Lego Pirates Of The Caribbean at the moment.

from Reece Where do you go on holiday?
This year, nowhere, unfortunately. Last year, we went to Weymouth in Dorset.

from Gemma Do you have any brothers and sisters?
Yes, I have two younger brothers.

I went to the British Museum yesterday. I happened to be wandering through the galleries of ancient Roman statues, and the face of one of them caught my eye.

The statue was labelled as being the likeness of a priest. What got my attention wasn't simply the fact that it was wonderfully life-like, and obviously made by a very skilled artist, but the way it looked so... I suppose the only word I can use is 'modern'.

That face was one I could easily imagine belonging to a country vicar today. Or someone in the queue at Asda. Or a next door neighbour. Here was the face on an ancient Roman, someone who lived two thousand years ago, and yet the way it had been carved from the stone made it feel as if it might open its eyes at any moment.

Good thing it didn't. I'd have freaked out. The point is, seeing that statue brought it home to me how similar we are, how times and circumstances may change, but people don't. That face might have belonged to the 21st century, or the 19th, or the 59th! It just happened to be Roman, that's all.

Just a thought.

Most writers rely on their computers, and I'm no exception. So here's a picture of my trusty old laptop.

It's a Dell Inspiron, and it's about five years old now. The operating system I use is Linux Mint. Why? Because it's brilliant, that's why. And because if I had to use Windows I'd have a hissy fit. Seriously.

I use Chrome as my default browser, LibreOffice as my word processor, and a program called Thunderbird for my email. 

One of the things I like best about my laptop is the keyboard. A lot of computers these days have those low-profile buttons that barely move when you tap them. The keys on my Dell have a nicely chunky feel to them - they have a definite press-and-click action. I know that seems like a minor detail, but minor details are important when you're sitting at a computer a lot.

Next time... my coffee mug...

Here's the latest oddity that's happened to me on Britain's rail network...! Last week, I was coming back from London, on a crowded commuter train from Marylebone. I was sitting just along from one of those new, enormous toilets they've got on the railways now: great big curving 'pod' things, with very large, wide sliding doors.

About half way through the journey, a City Gent type, aged about 50-ish, came up to the loo, looked it up and down as if to say 'Blimey, this looks a bit space-age, what do I do here?', and eventually pressed the OPEN button. And the door opened... KSs-chunk, wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... the huge curved door rolled aside at about the speed of a dead tortoise. At last, after about 30 seconds, it halted with a Sssk-clunk.

In he went. Press the CLOSE button. KSs-chunk, wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... thirty seconds... wrrrrrrr, Sssk-clunk. Shut.

About five minutes later, a woman made her way along the aisle between the seats. She went up to the giant loo. Hmm, let's see now... press OPEN. KSs-chunk, wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... oh dear, the guy inside clearly didn't know how to actually lock the door... and there he was, sitting there, trousers around his ankles. His face was frozen in utter, screaming horror. He didn't move a muscle.

Meanwhile, the woman, scarlet with embarrassment, kept pressing madly at the CLOSE button and trying to look anywhere except at this poor bloke. But, of course, the door was still half way through its 30-second opening cycle... wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... slowly, slowly, slowly... wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

At last, it Sssk-clunk-ed. The woman stabbed CLOSE again...

Here's a true story. A couple of years ago, it had been arranged for me to do a talk and a signing session at a bookshop in, err, a certain town in the Midlands. A pretty big deal for me - I'd never done a bookshop signing before, and this one was situated in the middle of a very large and very busy shopping mall. Some classes from nearby schools were going to be bussed in, and the local press would be there.

The day of the event dawned. To cut a very long story short, I arrived at the bookshop with seconds to spare (the train was late, and my station-to-shop map was rubbish), and dripping wet (the rain had started belting down seconds after I left home). Holy moley, I thought, what a journey, at least I got here in one piece, and I am at least on time. Phew.

I went into the bookshop. Hello, I'm Simon Cheshire. The staff gave me a funny look. Who? Umm... I'm Simon Cheshire? The author?... Err, the signing, today?... Nope, no author expected. No schoolkids, no local press. What was your name again, mate?

I was a little miffed. It turned out that the shopping mall's managers, who'd arranged everything, had forgotten to tell the shop I was coming. And also to tell the schools. And also the press. Hmm, I thought to myself, standing there dripping quietly, I believe it may possibly be time for me to go and have a word with the managers. It took me about half an hour to find the mall's office, tucked away behind a pizza stand and up six floors in a tiny lift. By the time I got to the Reception Desk, I wasn't in the best of moods.

"Hello, I'm Simon Cheshire," I said, to the very, very pretty Receptionist. She was so extraordinarily pretty, in fact, that my bad temper instantly went away, and all I could do was be vastly polite to her. "Is Mrs X in?" I said. [Mrs X - err, not her real name, you understand - was the woman who'd 'organised' my visit]

"I'll just find out for you," said the very, very pretty Receptionist, flashing an absolutely devastating smile at me. My heart skipped a beat.

She picked up the phone. Tap tap tap. Ring ring. While it was ringing, she whispered to me "Sorry, what was the name again?"

"Simon Cheshire."

Her call was answered. I don't know if the Receptionist had the phone's sound turned right up, or if my hearing was oddly acute that day, but I could hear every word that was said at the other end. And the Receptionist obviously didn't realise this. She asked for Mrs X. She was told Mrs X was on holiday for two weeks.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the very, very pretty Receptionist to me. "She not in her office at the moment."

"Ah," I said. "Umm, is there someone else I could talk to? There's been a bit of a mix-up somewhere along the line, and I was hoping I could maybe sort something out for another day?"

"Of course. One moment." She smiled again. My heart melted.

Phone. Tap tap tap. "Hello? Stacey? I've got a Simon Chester in Reception. He wanted to speak to Mrs X."

On the other end: "Oh God. Why? Is this a moan?"

The Receptionist, still unaware I could hear Stacey, said "Yes, I think so."

Stacey huffed and puffed and tutted a bit. "Ummm...." Long pause. "Is he fit?"

Without a moment's hesitation, without so much as a glance up at me: "No way, man," snorted the Receptionist. My heart shattered. To be brutally honest, nobody has ever mistaken me for Brad Pitt, but I couldn't help feeling a little wounded. I want to go home now, I thought.

"I'm sorry, Mr Chessman, her assistant isn't available either. Would you like to make an appointment for tomorrow?"

"Err, no, that's fine, thank you. I'll leave it. No problem. Thanks for your help."

"Not at all. Have a good day." Beautiful, beautiful smile.


I walked away, rain still dripping off my trousers. I think I may have whimpered slightly on the train home. So you see, dear readers, the moral of this story is: the life of a writer isn't all glamour and excitement.

I got a big batch of letters this week from Stockingford Junior in Nuneaton, a really lovely school I visited a little while ago. They included some questions in their letters, and I thought I'd answer a few of them here...

from Esme How many children do you have and what are their names?
I have two, currently in Years 7 and 9 at secondary school. I used their names for the names of my detective Saxby Smart's two best friends.

from Rhiannon Being a popular author, does it mean people walk up to you and ask if they can have a picture taken with you?
Never. Ever. No. Not even once. Nope. Doesn't happen... I do get funny looks sometimes when I'm out. But that's mostly because I'm a bit freaky-looking.

from Cory Do you think that I could be an author?
Definitely. All you need to write a good story is imagination and hard work!

from Tyler When you were at school what was your best subject?
I was probably best at English, but my favourite was History.

from Ellie-Jane How old were you when your first book was published?
I was (err, got to count backwards here) thirty-three. That was a looooong time ago.

from Megan Which one of your books is your favourite?
If I really had to pick one, it would probably be Pants On Fire. I just love the main character, Tom Bland, he's so snobby and self-centred, he's very entertaining to write about.

from Conner Were you good at school?
If you mean was I well-behaved, then yes, I was an absolute little angel. If you mean, was I top of the class, then no. I was pretty average at most things. Terrible at sports, quite good at essays, otherwise just about OK.

from Esme again What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?
My two children. Easy question.

Thank you Ms Earl's class! If any other readers want to send me questions, I'll do my best to answer them via this blog.

The above is a screen grab from a title on Amazon.co.uk - to be precise, the 'Look Inside' screen of the recently published "Humor In Contemporary Junior Literature" by Julie Cross, published in America by Routledge. When I saw it, I almost bounded out of my chair in amazement. I thought to myself: Holy Cow, I Get A Mention In An Academic Book About Children's Literature!!!!(plus a few more exclamation marks, just to labour the point)
    Yeh, yeh, I know, it's not exactly a world-changing event. But when you're a writer, tucked away in a distant, shivery-cold room, tapping out your strange little stories, things like this can mean a lot to you. A bit like the first time you see one of your books on the shelves in a bookshop. Aww, OK, like EVERY time you see one of your books on the shelves in a bookshop...
    Lots of writers say the ultimate in smug-faced happiness would be coming across someone reading one of your titles on the bus or the train. I'll settle for a couple of lines in a university textbook, for now.